There I was in the ninth inning looking at the scoreboard twelve to four us. This cant be right im quietly thinking to myself. It felt like yesterday I was watching my brother jumping up and down after he won a national championship and here I am getting ready to do the same thing. “ This isn’t real, im dreaming”. First batter of the inning gets up with no worries on his face, like they had this game won. The pitch comes in and he hits a missile to center field, “that’s over his head” I say nervously and wait a minute he caught it. One out. Next guy gets up and first pitch comes in and he pops up. “ I got it” mike says. Two outs. I stand at first base starting to realize that I am one out away from being a national champion. “Hey two down guys” Brent says before Brady throws in the pitch. Strike one the ump says. Next pitch is a foul back “your right on it” his coach says. Before that third pitch comes in I see all of our coaches and players on the bench rise up. Excitement in their eyes, and they all gather on the front step to get ready to storm the field. Before that pitch comes in I quickly think about how amazing that feeling is going to be, my first dog pile ever. Never in a million years did I ever think about me being in a dog pile. Brady throws the pitch, it was like slow motion. The batter swings and wait a minute, he missed. I didn’t know what happened. I looked around and before I could think there all at the mound in a dog pile screaming at the top of there lungs “WE DID IT”
Word count: 303
Point: No matter what you do in life, everybody has there day
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I like that your story has a lot of action. I can sense the fast pace of the events. One thing I would suggest is to "show" ( descriptive language) more the actions that are taking place as well as the feelings that you are experiencing as everything is taking place. You could also add emphasis to a/some of the crucial moments in the story by making smaller, emotion/excitement-packed paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lauren. AS i said, i think if you pull out the one and two out sentences to make them separate Paragraphs, it would add alot of emphasis on how pivotal that was to the game
ReplyDeleteYou have really put us in the moment. I was kind of confused though about the background of baseball. I'm not a huge baseball fan but like I said in the circle, when you add the pictures to the presentation, it will probably put emphasis on what is going on.
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